The Charles

Where i stopped to feed Carter today.

31

Yesterday was my 31st birthday. It was hard not to sit and reflect on the past year over the weekend. A good friend was visiting for the weekend and we spent some wonderful time chatting, laughing, and mulling it all over. It's been one heck of a year.

After the annual neuroscience conference and my birthday party in Washington DC and my surprise 30th birthday party in NYC, I said a sad but appropriate goodbye to my motorcycle. The (calendar) year started with a fantastic trip to Ecuador and the Galapagos where Chris proposed to me. Not long after we found out I was pregnant and on April 4th, we got married in a small ceremony at a local park with Sabie, our dog, as ring-bearer. That summer we had a fantastic baby shower/ wedding party with all our friends and spent two rainy but productive weeks on the Cape in Woods Hole. I started writing my first paper to submit for publication and finished writing my thesis proposal. Late in the summer, with growing belly, my thesis proposal was accepted. October 3rd our son Carter was born. I was at home during the annual neuroscience conference for the first time in years. The paper was submitted and then rejected for publication. A different world continues to turn.

That little list only begins to scratch the surface of the whirlwind of wonderful that life has been. I'm working on resubmitting the paper (very very slowly). I'm getting the hang of being a new mom, and loving it along with all its challenges. Today I took a shower. I appreciate now, more than ever, that life is about the little accomplishments, perhaps even more so than the big ones. This is a thank you to the universe for a wonderful year, big and small.

So what does the next year hold? Well, I'm not sure. And I'm ok with that. Past life lessons have taught me that it's ok. It has wonderful and exciting promise. I'm targeting to finish my Ph.D. in the spring of 2010. Chris is up for tenure and by the summer we'll know if we're staying here or if we have to set our sights elsewhere. We have our first family trip in the works to go to a conference in early March all together. Two sets of good friends are getting married: one in April and one in July (we would travel to CA for both). And hopefully we will be blessed to see Carter continue to grow and thrive right before our very eyes.

Momma Zen

Many times in the past few weeks I have been asked some version of the question "What's it like being a Mom?". Usually I have answered something to the effect of "Amazing, exhausting, and everything in between", but I feel like that's a bit of a cop-out. Anyone who is a mom knows that doesn't really say even a fraction of what it's like, not to mention it's probably different for everyone.

I have spent some time pondering this. The first visceral thing that really struck me about being a mom is how non-stop the schedule is with an infant. I had *NO* idea what it was going to be like, even though people tell you. Let me just give you a flavor of my day yesterday (Monday, 11/2 - Carter is 4+ weeks old):

Sunday night I went to sleep around 11pm, right after I fed him.
12:35am Chris, who has been up with him, gives Carter a bottle to try to get me some more sleep
12:45am diaper change by Chris
3:15am Chris wakes me up to feed him
3:30am diaper change in between sides by Chris
4-5am Carter sleeps in bed beside me (I know this is a whole issue, and maybe one day I'll write about it, but for now I'll leave it with the statement that at this stage, you do what you have to do to survive.)
5am feed Carter
5:15am change diaper because he wet his outfit
5:30-7am Carter softly gurgles and fusses beside me. He's not crying, but he's not sleeping, which means I'm not sleeping either.
7am attempt to feed Carter - but he's upset at something (gas? being tired? growing?) and doesn't do much besides cry and spit milk everywhere. So I get up and walk him around.
8am feed a very fussy Carter. At around 8:20am when he's done it's clear he won't let me put him down, so I put him in the baby Bjorn and carry him around while I have breakfast and stuff. Chris leaves for work.
9:30am feed
10am change diaper
12:15pm feed (he slept the couple hours before which let me do laundry, wash dishes & bottles, and tidy up the house)
Basically the rest of the day alternates between feeding and changing diapers with my having to carry him around in between. Chris comes home a bit after 5pm and we have dinner, which is a bit of an adventure because Carter still isn't happy unless he's being carried (sometimes he sleeps) and Chris had his dinner standing up. After dinner we watched a movie, Milk, in fits and starts (we all really liked it, but Carter liked it mostly for the title).
10pm bath time
11:30pm feeding time

I didn't share all that because I'm complaining. It's a rough schedule, especially on ~4hrs of sleep, but you do it. It's tempered by all the wonderful little things in between. He's starting to smile when we smile at him. Some of his awake moments (maybe about 30 min worth in an entire day) he spends locking on to you or some other object and just looking like he wants to absorb it all in through his little eyes. Every so often he makes little cooing sounds that are the beginnings of "Hi mom, it's me, Carter - let's talk". It's really amazing.

That said though, that doesn't mean it's not hard to let go of all the things that I want to do. I am used to being a very busy person with work and doing a lot to keep the day-to-day of a house running. It's hard for me to get emails only to be able to read them and not reply because I don't have my hands free. I know, those sound like silly things, but when your "free" time comes in the form of standing and eating some "lunch" while trying to bounce a baby, and that only happens in 45 min long or so increments, it's the little things that start to matter. Notice the schedule above does not include a shower for me - that's not just because I left it out.

Some days, it's hard to keep it all in perspective. A thoughtful friend gave us a book, Momma Zen (I borrowed the title for the post), and I would very highly recommend it to any mom out there trying to find a little balance in life. It's about having a place to draw some strength from when you're exhausted and you can't figure out why your little one is crying. It's about trying to find the right balance with your partner even though it's you doing all the feeding. It's about appreciating the now so that you don't spend all your time wishing to be doing something else. It's some pearls (Cheerios?) of wisdom to hold onto as you try to do that - because it's hard... and wonderful... and everything in between.

I leave you with some pictures from October of Carter - and yes, there are a couple from Halloween included.

Birth Story, Part 3

Our rest early on the birth morning was punctuated by the cuff that automatically inflated every 15 min to take my blood pressure and the nurse and midwife periodically checking on me, but it was still rest. Around 2:30 am the midwife who had been with us to that point told us that she was about to go off, and she wanted to check and see how dilated I was, but she was going to leave it for the next midwife.

At 3am the next midwife checked, and I was 10 cm, or fully, dilated. She said I had two choices, I could wait hours for my contractions to push the baby down, or I could start pushing. That particular decision seemed pretty easy -- it was time to start pushing. The nurse was in with another delivery (we found out there were 5 babies born so far that night -- considering there are only 6 rooms, that's a lot), so we had to wait until 3:30 am or so to get started.

And then, I started pushing. It wasn't very dramatic. It took me a while to learn what the contractions coming on felt like with the epidural, and it took some time to figure out how to push with the right set of muscles, considering I couldn't feel them directly. I had to push along with the contractions, which, by-the-way, were still irregular and seemed to have done their job just fine. It was slow going, and after over an hour, it became clear why -- the baby was facing the wrong direction. He was still head-down as he should be, but the angles are easier if his back is towards my front and he had his front facing towards my front. They suggested we take a break and try to have me lay in a position that might help him turn a little bit. This was a little tricky though because I had to keep on switching the side I was laying on because the epidural is actually sensitive to gravity. I would end up in pain on one side and completely numb on the other side if I didn't switch.

At around 5:30 am, break time was over. The baby had turned a little, but not a lot. So we started with the pushing again, but this time with renewed energy. It felt good to actually be accomplishing something and to be taking an active role in what was going on, rather than just watching things happen to me. It was difficult, but satisfying. Perhaps the only thing that provides a slight comparison is when you have a good, tough, workout. I had a nurse on one side, and Chris on the other for support, and then the midwife directing things. Everyone was wonderful - perfect in their roles. They were supportive, without being cheerleaders. I really couldn't have asked for more.

A little after 6am the midwife told me that she had to get in touch with the OB and give her the option to come evaluate me. Apparently after 3 hours of being fully dilated, they want to make sure it's worth my continuing to push. Looking back on it, it almost seemed like a motivational tactic - in a good way. It made me that much more determined to push the baby out (big surprise to anyone that knows me). The OB was content to hold off as the midwife thought the baby would be born in a half-hour or so. And she told us, very playfully, that she had already put her name down as the person who delivers the baby, and she was off at 8am, so the baby was coming out before then!

The next 45 min or so of pushing was very intense. They said to hold my breath, which completely went against everything else I had learned about trying to do something intensely physical, but they knew what they were talking about. The midwife was amazing, which was why right when the baby was close to making his way out, she had me stop pushing and just wait, and then do little tiny pushes after that to give everything some time to stretch out. It was very unnatural feeling, but wow, yay for amazing midwives.

After all that followed what was the single most amazing moment in my life, without a doubt. As funny as it might sound, the nurse had suggested bringing in a mirror so I could see, and I HIGHLY recommend it. It was just amazing. Out came the head, and then with one more push came the rest of the body and all of a sudden I had a baby on my belly. Words just simply cannot describe what it is to have a new little life suddenly living and moving and crying and being right there - right on you. Saturday, October 3rd at 7:15am Carter entered the world. Nothing else mattered (like what was going on with the rest of me). Suddenly my world was about this little baby, and Chris was right there in my little bubble with me. They dried him off and we just held him and marveled at him. Eventually they took him and weighed him and I nearly fainted when they said he weighed 9 lbs, 3.8 oz. I knew he was going to be big, but not *that* big.

After that moment, the world started spinning on a different access. I have so much gratitude to the team of people that helped take care of me and our small family in those first couple of days. The outpouring of love and support from friends and family just fortified us as we went into our first sleepless nights. Thank you again to everyone. I continue to be amazed at how much people are willing to help and give. Babies are a special thing. Ha, now there's an understatement.

I look forward to sharing more of our adventures here.

Birth Story, Part 2

I pick up the story of Carter's birth after Chris and I had our last solo meal together, around 6:30 pm on Friday (10/2). The nurse came in and got everything all hooked up: belly monitors & IV. It's a strange sensation to have your forearm get cold because of the solution running into it. I started on a Pitocin drip of "2" (mu/min). Within the hour I could no longer talk through the contractions and we started using our breathing/hypnobirthing techniques.

It was around this time (7:30pm - 8pm) that my mother decided to call the hospital to see how I was doing. This was a little frustrating because the hospital couldn't tell them anything, and they came to ask if we wanted to talk to her. I had told her we wouldn't be able to update her, and in retrospect I understand why she called (she was being a caring mother), but it was hard to withdraw concentration from what we were trying to do and put it to that. I mention it for those reading who may be in a similar situation - be ultra clear about what you expect before hand and then *both* sides should stick to it. Re-making decisions about who should be where in the middle of giving birth should *not* be what you are doing.

Around this time is also when my concept of time and the details start to get hazy, because, well, it got painful. Some time they upped my dose of Pitocin to "4" and not long after it felt a bit like I had run into a wall. The thing is that natural contractions have a rise and fall to them; Pitocin contractions you get almost no warning that they are coming, and they tend to last longer. We briefly experimented with me sitting in different positions (on the birthing ball, leaning on Chris, etc.) but it quickly became too much for me to think about supporting any of my body to deal with these. Many times it was all I could do to gesture to Chris that I was having another one and I needed him to rub my back - which he did very well and tolerantly of a demanding woman in labor.

He stopped the nurse from upping my Pitocin dose to "6" after seeing how much trouble I was having at the current dose and how quickly things had gotten very difficult last time they upped my dose. It was then that they told me they were trying to get me out of a pattern of contractions where I would have clusters of them very close together (every 1-2 min or so) and then break for 5 min. They wanted them every 2-3 min consistently. In a way it made me feel better to hear that, because coupled with the contractions lasting almost a minute, it felt like I was having one long contraction a lot of the time. I was in pain, but at least I wasn't crazy.

It was around 10pm that I was really glad I had had a conversation with myself before embarking on this birthing process -- the conversation was that I left myself the option of going with an epidural. There was a little voice in the back of my head that reminded me of that conversation. This was especially true after they checked to see how dilated I was (*not* a comfortable thing -- I'm not sure I ever really got that this is a *feeling* process, not a *looking* process). I was 3-4 cm dilated, about 85% effaced (thinned) and the baby was at zero station (his head was about even with the bumps in my pelvic bones -- low). It was great that the baby was low and I was 3-4, but it meant that I still had a long way to go, and it was not getting easier.

I knew I had to relax in between contractions, but I wasn't really able to convince my body to do that. I started getting nauseous and got the shakes -- basically from one part of my body fighting what the other parts were trying to do. I felt like I couldn't quite catch my breath. It was kinda like when you know you are going to fall and you tense your whole body to brace for impact, even though anyone who has "learned" how to fall knows that what you should do is relax and roll with it.

So around 10:30 pm or so on Friday night is when I finally told Chris that I didn't want to do it any more -- I wanted an epidural. Some people will say this was a no-brainer, but for me, it was a difficult decision. We spent another half an hour or so "talking" it over (to the extent that one can really "talk" in between contractions) and around 11 he went to get the midwife. She was perfect - supportive of me and my decision and not at all judgemental in either direction. By 11:30 pm Chris was getting kicked out of the room so the anesthesiologist could give me the epidural. He actually had to go try to convince my family, who we had been informed had showed up in the waiting room, to go home, as it was going to be a long time yet (I found out later they were picking my brother up from the bus station, so them showing up there wasn't quite as out of the way as it sounded).

The experience of getting an epidural I knew relatively nothing about - I knew it involved a needle in one's spine, but I tried not to think about that. The anesthesiologist wheeled his cart in and chatted with the nurse as I was instructed to sit up on the edge of the bed and hold a pillow to keep still. Thankfully, they turned off the Pitocin, because no matter how much will power I had I'm not sure I could have sat still through full-strength contractions without Chris there. I felt a small pinch on my back that I was informed was the numbing stuff and then a whole bunch of moving around that was over in a few minutes. I was informed later that he was the best, and I had done excellent to keep still, as it was one of the fastest epidurals the nurse had seen. What can I say, I was pretty motivated to keep still. They taped a hair-thin line up my back to the top of my shoulder that carried the anesthesia from the pump (and yes, the tape went the entire length of my back) and told me to be careful when rolling over, and that was it. Oh, and then I got a catheter. That's a fun little detail I tried not to think about.

Chris came back in the room and already the world was a better place. I could breathe again, and I was almost instantaneously exhausted. We spent the next half hour to hour or so just enjoying the restbit and catching up in this weird way. Chris took the time to read a little more about Pitocin labor, and came to find out that I had gone through pretty much all of the classic things that made it much more difficult than natural labor. And then we rested.

I'll pause here again in my story. Hopefully I'll get to the last part before another week goes by -- but as the past couple weeks have taught me, time has a whole new (non) existence with a newborn.

p.s. Happy Birthday to Chris -- it's his birthday today :-)